She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
