I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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