I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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