I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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