I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
