i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
