my shit smells like andre
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We left the knife in your bed.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
