she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
