How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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