i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
