3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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