Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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