Umm I'm too high to move.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
