I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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