be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
