i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
