I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
where are you?
Hypothermia
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
