Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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