The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
