Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
