This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
