I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
