naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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