Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
