someone threw a dead crab at me
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
