She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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