Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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