this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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