My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
