Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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