You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
