Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
