He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
