Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
