Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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