i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
