There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
