so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
