About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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