Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
