Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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