somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
