so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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