the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
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His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
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Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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