I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
