Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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