we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
