apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
