grandma shit on top of the toilet
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.