That's when you crack a 10am beer
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?