Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
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He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.