Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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