Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
