accomplished twins. life is a go
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
