I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
