she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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